Tuesday, September 9, 2008

What's That Smell, Columbia?

Folks, I don't have to tell you that things are bad in Columbia. Even the "greatest fans in the world" are jumping ship after last week's loss to Vandybilt. And they're right to do so. If there was ever a team worthy of giving up on, it is the South Carolina Gamecocks. Sure, some of them will tell you "the season isn't over." "We're 1-1, motherfucker." "There's a lot of footbaw left to play." "We can beat Georgia on Saturday." These folks, bless their stupid hearts, are the ones who can't see the big picture. Last week's loss to Vandybilt wasn't just one loss. It was the official beginning of the end that I promised would come this year. But even I didn't realize it would come this soon(actually I did). In order to better understand the severity of the disaster unfolding in Columbia, let's examine the three key factors that have led to this shitbomb.

1. Steve Spurrier & Co. don't know how to evaluate talent: It's year 4 of Project Ruin Great Coach, Take 2, and the team is getting worse. Last year's loss to Vandy was an upset. This year's wasn't. Gamecock fans like to believe they are part of the "new Big 3" in the SEC East, but it is plainly evident that they are gravitating closer to the cellar than they are to the top. Vanderbilt has officially passed South Carolina. Think about that for a minute. The Gamecocks supposedly have all this talent, but every time Spurrier is asked why he won't play the younger guys, his answer is, "They're not ready." Folks, that is coachspeak for "They're not good." The HBC only has himself to blame for this; however, he isn't naive. He is pulling out all the stops on the recruiting trail this year. But it's too little, too late for the coach who used to be good. Good players don't want to play for teams that finish last in their division.

2. Steve Spurrier turned over play-calling duties: It really surprised me when Gamecock fans just casually accepted this revelation earlier this year. Few college coaches have ever demanded, and wanted, to have such total control over the offense. Now all of a sudden he's just giving it up? Up to this point, Jr. has proved to be as adept as a tired monkey when it comes to calling a game. This offense is unrecognizable. What happened to the Spurrier offense that could carve up a defense? What happened to the creative trick plays? What happened? I'll tell you what happened. Spurrier stopped caring. This offense is the most simple, predictable offense I have seen in a long time. And he isn't sand-bagging. It's just that bad.

3. Steve Spurrier is scared of Clemson: And who can blame him? Everyone knows that November 29th is the end of the line. Each passing day brings him a step closer to the shallow grave, reserved for coaching legends, under Williams-Brice Stadium. Don't think that fear isn't permeating through the rest of the team either. This was South Carolina's last chance to turn the corner, and it isn't going to happen. A loss to the Tigers will be the final death knell. But this won't just be any old loss to Clemson. This one will send the gamecock program into a tailspin similar to the one we created back in 1997, only this time the recovery(if you can even call it that) won't happen. This loss to Clemson will bury South Carolina at the bottom of the SEC for decades, maybe even centuries. And it will all be Steve Spurrier's fault. He knows this.

Folks, some of this may sound a bit hyperbolic. But that couldn't be further from the truth. I know what I'm talking about. Nobody knows the gamecock program like me. This is the season I've been waiting on my entire life. I can't believe it's actually, finally here. At the start of the season I predicted the Gamecocks to go 6-6 and finish 4th in the SEC East. I think now would be a good time to re-evaluate that lofty prediction. Game by game, here is how I see the season playing out for the Chickens:

Georgia - loss. It might be close, b/c for whatever reason, it always is. But south carolina simply doesn't have the players to beat Georgia this year.

Wofford - win. It'll be closer than expected, and reality will set in for the players

UAB - win. Again, it'll be closer than it should be. By now reality will have set in for even the most ardent fans

@ Ole Miss - loss. South Carolina hasn't beaten the Rebs since they joined the SEC, and they won't start this year. This one will get ugly.

@ Kentucky - loss. I picked this as a win earlier in the year, but the wheels will have come completely off at this point

LSU - loss. This will be a blowout. South Carolina might score negative points.

Tennessee - loss. I figure this one to be closer than it should be. Spurrier hates Tennessee and he'll pull out all the stops to make one final, last gasp effort, but it won't be enough. Better talent usually wins.

Arkansas - loss. This one should be a win, because Arkansas is comically bad. But they'll have given up by now. They won't even be wondering why they aren't playing well anymore. They just won't care.

@ Florida - loss. This will also be a blowout. Look for Florida to hang a minimum of 50 again.

@ Clemson - loss. This will also be a blowout, similar to the one that sent Holtz packing back in 2004.

That's right, folks. South Carolina will finish the season 3-9(maybe 4-8 with a little luck), and dead last in the SEC East, with zero conference wins. That's what happens when your head coach gets scared and gives up. If you have a different opinion, please share it with Mind of a Gamecock. Thanks for reading. Here's some predictions on the upcoming game:

- I am predicting a gamecock win 24-20

- I'll go w/ my heart.....USC 20 UGA 17

- 21-13 Cocks!

- I predict we block our first punt of the season, capture the momentum, play like the best defense in the SEC and redeem the Vanderbilt loss with a victory in a low scoring game..

- USC 34 UGA 17.

- USC 13 UGA 12

- Mr. Moreno is going to meet MR. BRINKLEY and not be very glad about it afterwards. USC 21 UGA 17

- We are going to win 21-13.

On the Smelley situation:

- Chris Smelley's Stats - Facts Don't Lie QB Rating - 146.628-44 63.6%325 yards, 7.4 yards per attempt4 TD, 2 Ints4 Sacks -23 yards. Good enough for 5th among SEC starters. Right behind Tebow (2 pts.) way ahead of John Parker @ Bama.

- He'll be fine if he settles down a little bit. It did not help that he had a few receivers drop some balls early.

- He'll only get better IMO.

On the Vandy loss:

- the Vandy loss could keep Carolina from claiming the SEC East

- Vandy might be better than we think..They killed a Miami (o) team that hung with Michigan at the Big House. And they were a 4th and 15 away from beating Georgia 2 Straight years.

- They suck. They lost a lot off of a mediocre team last year. I see them getting blown out by UGA and FLA.

29 comments:

wokeupat1013topanic said...

this should go over nicely.

Anonymous said...

atta boy. back in the saddle.

Anonymous said...

No offense, owner, but as a Clemson fan you really don't have much room to talk. Everything you said about South Carolina is true, except you suck are predictions, as it was evident back at the Alabama game, but the fact remains that Clemson is just as a bad. Along with the ACC. Granted, you might beat Carolina. But you're team is, as you said about Bammer, is "soft as tits." Clemson, along with pretty much every ACC team except Wake, is a joke to the whole nation. Nobody cares about the ACC now. It's a joke, and Clemson getting their ass kicked on national TV didn't help that perception.

I'm not defending Carolina, but as much as you are obsessed with Carolina sucking, the team you love so much, Clemson, is just as bad. Bowden is the biggest joke of a coach in the nation, and all the boards of football around the league make fun of him. I mean when your coach is calling other coaches right after that coach got his ass handed to him, you know your team is in trouble. It'll be a rough season for both Carolina and Clemson, but in the end...you both suck. Plain and simple. Nobody cares about either of you, and nobody especially cares about the ACC. It's all just a huge joke.

So while you point and laugh at Carolina, remember 34-10 and realize that your own precious team is in a tail spin. When will enough be enough, Owner? Just curious.

And yes, you make some God awful predictions, but everyone does once in a while.

Anonymous said...

The smell in Columbia? Probably the same thing that smells in Clemson. A shit football team with a shit coach. Except the coach in Clemson isn't a HoF and is a complete joke to the football nation. Congrats.

Clemson fans still obsessed with things being bad in COLA? MAN. How quickly 34-10 goes away to a decent team? Oh, and that "decent" team that ass raped you on the football field had to beat Tulane with special teams. Congrats, you're terrible. Maybe we should form all our football teams together and we'd be decent. See, Clemson gets the recruits, but their coaches are too fucking stupid to coach them up and/or put them at their correct position. Man, you Clemson fans are great.

That angle is as stale as the one about Samson losing his grip because his hair was cut off, when we all know it was bedroom hanky panky that done him in.

Anonymous said...

Not a Carolina fan, but I'll have to agree with them. Clemson is terrible as well. Carolina's defense is stout, and Clemson still has an explosive offense. Carolina's offense is awful. Clemson plays like women(who get beat up by their boyfriend) and they're terrible in the trenches. A lot worse than what I thought they'd be. Especially the d-line. O-line is awful because nobody can play so they're having to try out freshmen. D-line just flat out sucks. Carolina's defense is awesome and will keep them in most games, but the offense better figure something out fast. Clemson and Carolina will both struggle down the road. End of story. Clemson/Carolina fans can spin it all they want, but you're both simply not good. Your game in November won't matter simply because nobody outside of your fanbases will give two shits. Yawn.

Unknown said...

I'm the only qualified blogger here. Try and keep the comments brief.

Anonymous said...

For 2 teams that "nobody cares about", there sure are a lot of people who come on this blog and write about them. (mike, sigh, see ya)

Unknown said...

They'll all be sorry when the find out the real reasons I wasn't writing any last week.

Unknown said...

Cocky, I had to delete your comment because you used real names. Please feel free to re-post it in its entirety, sans the real name. Also please include some suggestions on how I could earn back your respect.

Anonymous said...

Owner, I will begin to think of ways for you to earn back my respect. Good luck against State

Anonymous said...

We'll be...sorry? What, is someone sick? Your girlfriend have the beetis? Family/friend die? Your problem, not ours. We're terrible sorry for your lost and we're sorry you can't update your precious blog, but dude...claiming "You guys will be sorry!" is just elementary class.

No, none of us will be "sorry." Just like how I was sorry to see you get grid iron raped by Alabama.

Now go back to crying about why you were gone last week.

Anonymous said...

So in other news Clemson won the award for sixth place on "Stupidest Fanbase Ever." Congrats to all my Clemson brethern. I don't have a link, but go find it. It's worth the read. They hit every team right on the head.

Oh, and nobody will be sorry why you were absent from blog school, buddy. So stop trying to sum up symapthy, because none of the cut-throats here will care. Nice try, Madonna.

Anonymous said...

You, my friend, would be the bell of the ball!

Anonymous said...

Damn, after reading pretty much the same thing over and over in every single blog all I have to say is: Is it possible to be any less original? Throw a bone our way. And stop bitching and moaning about why you've been absent. Nobody cares if your dog died.

Anonymous said...

Ricky Sapp just left the Krystals drive thru. He ordered a sack, they refused to serve him. Owned.

Anonymous said...

lol. A 230+ DE is a joke, but don't tell the Clemson coaches that. They obviously have NO clue what they're doing with their players. From 260 DT to 230 DEs, it's a mess in Clemsux. =[

Unknown said...

Yep, you'll be sorry alright.

Anonymous said...

Everyone here knows the myriad of excuses you could give. Boo-hoo. If I was gone from my precious blog for a week and came back I wouldn't be trying to sum up sympathy from my viewers. Especially claiming how "they'll all be sorry." Weak sauce, dude. Weak sauce. Besides, if it isn't any of our business, like you stated, why would you tell us anyway? Why not just keep it personal? But if you are going to tell us, why are you waiting for a specific time? Just curious. But like I stated, what you tell us won't jar anyone because everyone knows the myriad of reasons you could throw at us.

I'm so terribly sorry.

Anonymous said...

I think Clemson should be more worried about their coaches and their play calling and who Bowden will call next more than Spurrier and his son(no, not the 5'4 one). Seriously, is there a more conservative, take-it-in-the-ass coach than Spence? And let's not getting started on "Cadillac Koenning." Next thing we know he'll be excusing your blog of driving off in an Escalade.

Now who do you imagine your coach will call next to ask how to not suck? Mark Mangino? Meyer? Daddy? Come on.

"Yep, you'll be sorry alright."

....No?

Anonymous said...

Very, very long, yet true post from my esteemed colleague, Wilford.

In a nutshell, everything he said is dead on. Only problem is Clemson fans seem to pay much more attention to Carolina's problems than their own. Except the ones that have jumped ship and decided to call every radio station in the upstate proclaiming their disdain for the coaching staff. When you get your ass handed to you by a mediocre Alabama team, it's time to worry. Don't tell Clemson fans that, they'll just talk about how Spurrier has the biggest pair of grapes in the country and how Bowden loves long conversations on the phone with his best friends.

Anonymous said...

How dare someone post on here trying to impersonate me. Die Fake Wilford!!!!

Unknown said...

Dave, people don't sum up sympathy. They drum it up. I'm not saying you'll be sorry in an effort to drum up sympathy. I'm saying you'll be sorry to let you know that I am threatening your physical well-being.

Unknown said...

Wilford, I deleted your comment b/c you are using a name already taken. Please feel free to re-post it in its entirety under a different name.

Anonymous said...

Owner, you really are an idiot. This is the internet, not a Starbucks where we can gather and chat. Threats over the internet are about as funny and pathetic as it gets. If there's some way you can back that up, please be my guest. It's the internet, and we're all slaves to it. Having said that, nobody cares if your girl has the beetis, a loved one died, etc. Sorry for your loss, but saying we'll be sorry because nobody cares is borderline pathetic. Frankly, nobody does care. So go cry and say you're going to "beat someone up" on some other blog or message board.

Anonymous said...

You Clemson inbreds are so intimidating with your cyber threats. Watch out, guys- Owner knows where we live and he will come after you!

Silly Clemsux.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure you can sum up anything, especially dumbass remarks about beating someone up over a computer screen. Or you could drum that too. Either way, you're a tool.

Unknown said...

I'm all up in your domepieces.

Anonymous said...

Did you hear about the fight at five points last night? USC Football hooligans at it again.

Unknown said...

Yeah, I'll probably blog about it soon.